exposure
I’ve gotten a lot wrong. I’ve done a lot of things badly. I’ve hurt hearts that I had no business hurting. I can give you a list of people that can tell you I’m not a good person. But that’s the thing about friendship, it’s a demonstration of what grace is. It isn’t something that you earn. It isn’t something that you have to deserve. It’s a gift that someone gives you because they see you. Because they see something in you that you can’t see in yourself. Someone that will meet you in your darkness, will sit with you quietly, patiently, while refusing to let you stay there. Jill McDougall is one of those friends to me.
This week I'm in New Orleans for Kolaj Fest and last week I told Jill that I was stressed about trying to make sure I had my newsletters for this week ready in time for my absence. She offered to be a guest writer for this newsletter to lighten my load. It may seem like such a small thing, but it means the world to me. Below you'll find Jill's essay, one of her analog collages, and a series of digital collages I made utilizing photos Jill sent me. Thank you, Jill. In case I haven't told you today, I love you with all my everything.
Shadows
Lately it feels I’m like walking through a tree tunnel of memories.
Instead of quickly looking through photo albums full of still shots I’ve viewed a thousand times before, I’m taking time to gaze at each photo long enough for it to come to life as more of a short film clip. I find myself settling into the scenes, pausing to consider who was behind the lens, what else was in the room at the time, the context.
And I’m also finding the photo negatives.
Film negatives show the opposite. Lights are dark, darks are light. Exposure effects how they turn out. It’s all about the exposure.
What if certain memories and scenes I’ve traditionally attached shame to, labeled as bad, or never fully acknowledged, were exposed to the right light? A gentle, warm, light perfect for holding space and allowing development? A soft, kind light that looks only to observe, not to assign a specific meaning? What if, without harsh judgement, the things I’ve labeled as self-destructive or selfish or shameful all these years were in essence just steps along a path to self-discovery in this lifetime? What if I had (gasp!) grace for myself?
Grace
If I view my past in this light, I can begin to see each experience as just one small part of a whole. An embracing of everything; an honest look at the shadows. An unveiling of truths I thought were simply too much to give any more than a passing nod to on my way to thinking about something lighter.
As I learn to embrace the shadows, I find it’s not the time to reflect on everything I could have, should have, done differently. Instead, now is the time to forgive; to extend a huge, heaping amount of grace to the younger versions of myself who are still very much a part of me. Now is the time to wrap my arms around myself until all of those parts fully integrate into an embodied, emboldened self. Fully feeling, allowing, and accepting.
May you walk gently into the dark rooms of yourself.
May every shadow reveal the shape of your becoming.
May you find the grace to wrap your arms around every version of yourself.
In case no one’s told you today, I love you with all my everything.
P.S. from Jill: When Duane mentioned he was going to Kolaj Fest and needed to prepare all of his newsletters together before he leaves town, I suggested that he maybe just take a week off from writing to us and relax; just enjoy his immersive, beautiful collage vacation. Let me tell you, he simply wouldn’t hear of it! Which tracks, right? Duane is a consistent, encouraging, open, and supportive friend to all of us.
I’m honored that he took me up on the offer to share some thoughts with you. Also, can I just tell you what a treat it is to see one of his magical invocations at the end based on the words I wrote? Thank you Duane! And thanks everyone for being here,
xoxo, Jill
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This warmed my heart. 💖Lovely friendship story and awesome collages, the two of you 🖤
I love what you wrote Duane and Jill's words too. What a special post!