bureaucracy
'Bureau' is an old French word for desk. A bureaucracy then, is a system of governance according to drawers. It's a simple methodology really. "Divide the world into containers," Yuval Noah Harai says, "and keep the containers separate" so that nothing touches or mixes with anything.
Maybe I'm a bureaucrat, secretly.
My routines and rituals create a place for everything. Keeps it all in orderly rows of boxes for daily living. I don't talk about my personal life at work. I don't talk about my day job at home. There is only a small fraction of myself I'll share to the public. A few percentage more to those I'm close to. And, a wealth of things I keep to myself. Tucked away.
Neatly.
Safely.
Separately.
I don't like it when life gets messy. When things overlap and spill. When something ends up somewhere it shouldn't be. I'm a collection of subjects I won't speak about and things I'd rather not say.
Collage is the exception to my every rule The thing that overturns every table. Throws open every bureau. Empties out every drawer. It takes the mess of everything. It takes the mess of me. All the things I don't know how to feel or express in any other way. It layers it all together into something rich and unexpected. Something that surprises me everyday.
It doesn't make sense of everything. In some events there simply is no sense to be made. But it reveals the overlaps of meaning that are beyond what can be governed, stored, or kept in place.
A million tiny protests in a single moment defying all my bureaucracies.
But what happens when it doesn’t work anymore? When the whole bureau comes apart? When too much gives out, gives up, comes loose?
When there’s no structure left? When there’s nothing left to hold it all up? To hold it all together? When there’s nothing left to hold on to?
What do you do with that?
What do you do then?
I wish I knew…
P.S. A while ago I was a guest on Ken Kinsley’s podcast, Finding the Words. It was a great conversation. The episode came out this week, but I haven’t had the heart to listen to it. One of the key topics was the importance of my studio practice. How it’s the catalyst for my creative process and my overall well-being. Earlier this week I was laid off from my day job, and subsequently I let go of my studio. The effect has already been drastic and stark. The flow I had there I haven’t been able to find again, and I find myself losing the will, the interest, and desire to make anything. I know that’s not uplifting, but it’s the truth. As a maker, I never promised that I would be insightful or inspiring. I only ever promised honesty, authenticity, and vulnerability.
P.P.S. - ICAD 265-268 - all the collages featured are available for purchase here.
P.P.P.S. - I made a video for my paid subscribers talking through some of the ideas for this newsletter you can find it here.
I hate how hard things are for you right now. But, I can't help thinking that you will make something interesting from these fragments. It's what you do. And go listen to the podcast--especially the last few minutes. I hope you might hear it like encouragement from past-you to future-you.
I am not one of those people who say one door closes and another opens. I do say it sucks that you lost your day job and your studio. That is absolutely crushing and hard to manage.
Grieve. Write as you have done today.
Your art is a haven for me. I hope it can be one for you as well.