Yeah, I think it's really tricky. Blowhards "forgive themselves" in a shallow, unapologetic way that doesn't really hold much water. But never forgiving yourself can also hold you back, in a strange sort of way. I think self-forgiveness is necessary, but very difficult. It involves digging deep and looking at the angles of ourselves that we never want the light to expose. But that's what we gotta do.
Really great work as always, Duane. I like the materials used for accents in these.
So well said James. It really is such a tricky balance. Cheap grace feels almost vulgar and offensive. Self flagellation won’t fix. The only way forward is admitting the hard truths and hoping you learn and grow.
Yes James. I too had to dig very deep, feel great amounts of pain before I learned to forgive my self. I realize now I did not intentionally work at self forgiveness, the deep rooted, inside work led to a change...a slow, long process, but a real change. (I had to have outside help, but everyone's process is their own). The result of that change is that today my actions are no longer harmful to myself or others. That change flowed into a ripple of self-forgiveness. For me, it has been a f-ing life long job, but so, so worth it. And Big hug Duane. Now I'll write in my own comment box.
Beautiful, open, honest, and so very brave. I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness, and many of its complicated facets. I was a a workshop on the topic years ago when I worked as a therapist who counseled survivors of violence. The presenter said she saw forgiveness as a gift that « victims » give themselves, not something we give to those who wronged us, but something we give ourselves, as it allows us to create a new storyline. It isn’t dependent of the other person when we look at it that way. Forgiveness begets peace, as light begets light. Self-forgiveness brings more peace to us and thus into the world. More peace, more light, can perhaps can only make the world a kinder place. That being said, forgiveness is a muscle that needs to be flexed (the more we practice it, the less hard it becomes) and one that is also based on atonement. It can only take place when we acknowledge that we screwed up, we take responsibility for the damage we caused, and make an honest commitment to trying to not repeat that action. Good people occasionally do shitty things. That’s part of what makes us human.
Thank you for such a gorgeous comment Anne. So much of this is so resonant.
“Forgiveness begets peace, as light begets light. Self-forgiveness brings more peace to us and thus into the world. More peace, more light, can perhaps can only make the world a kinder place.” - exactly this! So much this! All of this!
There’s an idea in Judaism that the entirety of the world is a balanced scale. Every selfish, bad thing tilts the world that way. But every kind and beautiful act shifts the whole world back towards the good again.
I love that you use the word atonement, because it is at-one-ment that saves everything. When we are at-odds, severed and disconnected everything is fragmented but even one small practice of at-one-ing sets all things back into an ordered whole again.
It’s the parable of a single lost coin being found and then celebrated. A shepherd who leaves 99 sheep to gather back the one that went missing. “We think we are drops in the ocean,” Anne Lamott says, “be we are really the ocean in drops”.
Emily, this is just so sweet of you! Thank you so much for all this incredible warmth and kindness!
"The be-nice-to-Duane zone" - Haha! I love that so much! I think you're absolutely right! I'm actively planning on spending more time there in that space.
I think you're right. I've been feeling a shift in my work and in myself, the two are always uniquely joined and closely follow each other. I think something different is emerging. I think and hope that a new Duane is coming.
Truly shitty people don't reflect on whether or not they're shitty people. Sounds to me like you're human and have done some shitty things, which we all have to some degree, consciously or not.
We all develop coping mechanisms because of our childhood circumstances and because life can just be hard. In IFS therapy (internal family systems), those coping parts are explored and allowed space to evolve. I've seen it be truly transformative because it provides a lot of understanding into our own behaviors and actions. Anyway, not telling you what to do, but that's what I kept thinking about while I was reading your thoughts!
Absolutely! I'm sure there are some good podcast interviews with people explaining IFS, and it really is an intriguing approach.
Thanks for sharing this with us, btw. It's important to talk about our internal dialogues - so much of this is universal and it helps others not to feel so alone!
Thanks Jill! I have always been saved by books, and art, and articles, and music, things that carrier the capacity to shatter one's inturned sense of isolation. One of the greatest gifts you can both get and give is the feeling of being less alone. I have been the recipient of that great gift more times than I can keep track of. I consider it my responsibility as a maker to repay that debt.
That’s so kind of you thank! You don’t need be as good as anyone, you don’t even need to be an artist, just make things in a way that makes your heart sing, that’s the highest form of art there is. Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate you being here!!
I am holding space for your honesty. I do believe there is always hope and room for redemption. This human life can certainly be full of distortion and for me that is what is calling for healing.
Thanks so much Dan! I’ve read a lot of philosophy but I wouldn’t dare give myself the title. I know enough to know I don’t know anything, but I’d like to think that there’s always a possibility to come back again. Thanks again!
Thanks Davor! Self-forgiveness is challenging for me, but that’s why it’s called practice. Small improvements made everyday. Thanks for your kind words!
It would be perfect if life were as easy as creating a collage, a space where you can easily deconstruct the existing and create a new narrative. It may not be that simple, but it can be possible.
Big hug to you Duane. I'm part of a healing group that say's "Let us love you until you can love yourself". It sounds so cliché, but it truly helps. So take our love- you are so loved here - I feel it in my bones, and just breathe it in. With your moving stream of words and riveting images, you fearlessly share your beauty and pain - - your soul with us. I thank you for that. Learning to have self-compassion - took me a long time. It has been a slow but worthy process. Going deep within to untangle a self that was buried, suffocating, gave me the gift of self-acceptance. It was a gift, I just needed to trust the process. Today I accept being imperfect, being human- scars and all. That acceptance is a river that flows into self-forgiveness. And, for me, the going inward process hurt like hell, but it was worth it. I found a self, I never knew I had, buried under so much- pain. I was one who needed outside help to navigate those dark places- but everyone's process is different. My closest friend went through a lot of what I went through, and her healing was shared with friends. That was her place to safely unfold and then change. You trust us -you share your most difficult places with us! Wow, I think you're Awesome.
Thank you Andrea! "Let us love you until you can love yourself" - that is gorgeous!! David Brooks says that "your personality is the hidden history of the places where love entered your life or was withdrawn" from it. Everything we are, everything we become, everything we will be is scar tissue. The places we have pierced by love's entrance and exit. How we heal decides how we develop. We can become callused and closed off. We can stay supple and exposed. We can hide in the cold safety of our isolation, or we can revel in the openness of being fragile. We can wax and wane between the two. We are the scars love leaves.
Yeah, I think it's really tricky. Blowhards "forgive themselves" in a shallow, unapologetic way that doesn't really hold much water. But never forgiving yourself can also hold you back, in a strange sort of way. I think self-forgiveness is necessary, but very difficult. It involves digging deep and looking at the angles of ourselves that we never want the light to expose. But that's what we gotta do.
Really great work as always, Duane. I like the materials used for accents in these.
So well said James. It really is such a tricky balance. Cheap grace feels almost vulgar and offensive. Self flagellation won’t fix. The only way forward is admitting the hard truths and hoping you learn and grow.
Thanks my friend!
Yes James. I too had to dig very deep, feel great amounts of pain before I learned to forgive my self. I realize now I did not intentionally work at self forgiveness, the deep rooted, inside work led to a change...a slow, long process, but a real change. (I had to have outside help, but everyone's process is their own). The result of that change is that today my actions are no longer harmful to myself or others. That change flowed into a ripple of self-forgiveness. For me, it has been a f-ing life long job, but so, so worth it. And Big hug Duane. Now I'll write in my own comment box.
Beautiful, open, honest, and so very brave. I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness, and many of its complicated facets. I was a a workshop on the topic years ago when I worked as a therapist who counseled survivors of violence. The presenter said she saw forgiveness as a gift that « victims » give themselves, not something we give to those who wronged us, but something we give ourselves, as it allows us to create a new storyline. It isn’t dependent of the other person when we look at it that way. Forgiveness begets peace, as light begets light. Self-forgiveness brings more peace to us and thus into the world. More peace, more light, can perhaps can only make the world a kinder place. That being said, forgiveness is a muscle that needs to be flexed (the more we practice it, the less hard it becomes) and one that is also based on atonement. It can only take place when we acknowledge that we screwed up, we take responsibility for the damage we caused, and make an honest commitment to trying to not repeat that action. Good people occasionally do shitty things. That’s part of what makes us human.
Thank you for such a gorgeous comment Anne. So much of this is so resonant.
“Forgiveness begets peace, as light begets light. Self-forgiveness brings more peace to us and thus into the world. More peace, more light, can perhaps can only make the world a kinder place.” - exactly this! So much this! All of this!
There’s an idea in Judaism that the entirety of the world is a balanced scale. Every selfish, bad thing tilts the world that way. But every kind and beautiful act shifts the whole world back towards the good again.
I love that you use the word atonement, because it is at-one-ment that saves everything. When we are at-odds, severed and disconnected everything is fragmented but even one small practice of at-one-ing sets all things back into an ordered whole again.
It’s the parable of a single lost coin being found and then celebrated. A shepherd who leaves 99 sheep to gather back the one that went missing. “We think we are drops in the ocean,” Anne Lamott says, “be we are really the ocean in drops”.
You're so hard on yourself it breaks my heart.
Life throws shitty stuff at us sometimes and life throws us shitty stuff that makes us being shitty to others. We are all perfectly imperfect humans.
Duane, I don't know you but from what I see here you are brave, clairvoyant, sincere, smart, talented and you work damn hard.
I mean it.
I suggest you've done your work and now deserve to step in the be-nice-to-Duane zone.
And btw, your latest works look more and more different. A new Duane is coming?
Emily, this is just so sweet of you! Thank you so much for all this incredible warmth and kindness!
"The be-nice-to-Duane zone" - Haha! I love that so much! I think you're absolutely right! I'm actively planning on spending more time there in that space.
I think you're right. I've been feeling a shift in my work and in myself, the two are always uniquely joined and closely follow each other. I think something different is emerging. I think and hope that a new Duane is coming.
Thanks again! It's so wonderful hearing for you!
I love the be-nice-to-Duane zone. If that's a club, I'm joining. Hee hee!
Haha! Thanks Andrea! Might just be my new favorite place. Glad you’re here!
Truly shitty people don't reflect on whether or not they're shitty people. Sounds to me like you're human and have done some shitty things, which we all have to some degree, consciously or not.
We all develop coping mechanisms because of our childhood circumstances and because life can just be hard. In IFS therapy (internal family systems), those coping parts are explored and allowed space to evolve. I've seen it be truly transformative because it provides a lot of understanding into our own behaviors and actions. Anyway, not telling you what to do, but that's what I kept thinking about while I was reading your thoughts!
And great collages!
Jill, that whole first paragraph!! Yes! Awareness is the key to everything.
Thanks for the recommendation! That sounds so insightful and fascinating! Thank you for that!
Absolutely! I'm sure there are some good podcast interviews with people explaining IFS, and it really is an intriguing approach.
Thanks for sharing this with us, btw. It's important to talk about our internal dialogues - so much of this is universal and it helps others not to feel so alone!
Will definitely be digging into it!
Thanks Jill! I have always been saved by books, and art, and articles, and music, things that carrier the capacity to shatter one's inturned sense of isolation. One of the greatest gifts you can both get and give is the feeling of being less alone. I have been the recipient of that great gift more times than I can keep track of. I consider it my responsibility as a maker to repay that debt.
Yes, all of this!!
You just get it. Lol! 😉
Yes Jill. I too needed outside help to go that deep and make those shifts. It is great we can openly share this here and help one another.
I agree 100%, Andrea. Authenticity is where it’s at.
I love your musings. And your collages. Very intuitive and inspiring. I might as well try being as good of an artist as you. Thanks for this one.
That’s so kind of you thank! You don’t need be as good as anyone, you don’t even need to be an artist, just make things in a way that makes your heart sing, that’s the highest form of art there is. Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate you being here!!
Such a sweet comment. Yay for you!
I am holding space for your honesty. I do believe there is always hope and room for redemption. This human life can certainly be full of distortion and for me that is what is calling for healing.
Such a moving way of putting it! Maybe redemption is itself the act of making space. Thank you so much for this!
Beautiful art! Beautiful insight 👍
Thank you Paola! I appreciate it!
Great work as usual, Duane. I'm not much of a philosopher, but I think there is always room for redemption.
Thanks so much Dan! I’ve read a lot of philosophy but I wouldn’t dare give myself the title. I know enough to know I don’t know anything, but I’d like to think that there’s always a possibility to come back again. Thanks again!
I'm good at forgiving myself, but many people aren't — and that can be a serious issue. Your collages really resonate with me.
Thanks Davor! Self-forgiveness is challenging for me, but that’s why it’s called practice. Small improvements made everyday. Thanks for your kind words!
It would be perfect if life were as easy as creating a collage, a space where you can easily deconstruct the existing and create a new narrative. It may not be that simple, but it can be possible.
Beautifully said. It’s that possibility that makes all the difference to everything!
Big hug to you Duane. I'm part of a healing group that say's "Let us love you until you can love yourself". It sounds so cliché, but it truly helps. So take our love- you are so loved here - I feel it in my bones, and just breathe it in. With your moving stream of words and riveting images, you fearlessly share your beauty and pain - - your soul with us. I thank you for that. Learning to have self-compassion - took me a long time. It has been a slow but worthy process. Going deep within to untangle a self that was buried, suffocating, gave me the gift of self-acceptance. It was a gift, I just needed to trust the process. Today I accept being imperfect, being human- scars and all. That acceptance is a river that flows into self-forgiveness. And, for me, the going inward process hurt like hell, but it was worth it. I found a self, I never knew I had, buried under so much- pain. I was one who needed outside help to navigate those dark places- but everyone's process is different. My closest friend went through a lot of what I went through, and her healing was shared with friends. That was her place to safely unfold and then change. You trust us -you share your most difficult places with us! Wow, I think you're Awesome.
Thank you Andrea! "Let us love you until you can love yourself" - that is gorgeous!! David Brooks says that "your personality is the hidden history of the places where love entered your life or was withdrawn" from it. Everything we are, everything we become, everything we will be is scar tissue. The places we have pierced by love's entrance and exit. How we heal decides how we develop. We can become callused and closed off. We can stay supple and exposed. We can hide in the cold safety of our isolation, or we can revel in the openness of being fragile. We can wax and wane between the two. We are the scars love leaves.
Thanks again Andrea, means so much to me!