forgiveness
I'm tempted to call myself a shitty person. Maybe I am. That's how I feel some days. Though I'm not sure where it comes from exactly, or maybe I do. Maybe some wires got crossed at birth. Maybe it was an assumption I came to, and nobody told me differently, or when they did I was too far gone to hear them. Or, maybe I've just done terrible deeds. Maybe it's just a story or maybe it's the truth. Maybe it should be easy to tell the difference but it's convoluted. I don't know.
I love big. Feel deeply. I give until I bleed. But, I'm selfish and cowardly. I've hurt people that I shouldn't. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes by mistake. I've been purposefully withholding, and I've done the wrong things. I've created problems when there shouldn't have been any. Questioned things that didn't need questioning. Made things worse by trying to fix what didn't need fixing.
What carries more weight?
I don't know.
What makes someone a good person? What makes someone a villain? When are you beyond redemption? When are you still worthy of forgiveness? If you fuck up bad enough the person you wronged has every right to not forgive you. But are you ever allowed to forgive yourself? Is that an injustice? Is that a slight or a disservice to the person you gave the suffering to? Is it better to bear the brand of that unforgivable-ness like a scarlet letter for the rest of your days? Would that, could that, balance the scales? I don't know.
When are you a devil, a monster, a charlatan, and when are you just a broken, imperfect person who did a shitty thing? Is there a difference? Are they two names for one and the same thing? Both can be true, I suppose. I don't know.
One wrong move can break everything. Can take away everything good and true that came before it. Can the same thing be said about the reverse? Can the weight of the beautiful things before a trespass ever invalidate the moment it went to shit? Is there anything that can ever come after the catastrophe that can outshine it? Not erase it, or mend it, just something that can make it different.
I don't know.
But I hope so.
Yeah, I think it's really tricky. Blowhards "forgive themselves" in a shallow, unapologetic way that doesn't really hold much water. But never forgiving yourself can also hold you back, in a strange sort of way. I think self-forgiveness is necessary, but very difficult. It involves digging deep and looking at the angles of ourselves that we never want the light to expose. But that's what we gotta do.
Really great work as always, Duane. I like the materials used for accents in these.
Beautiful, open, honest, and so very brave. I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness, and many of its complicated facets. I was a a workshop on the topic years ago when I worked as a therapist who counseled survivors of violence. The presenter said she saw forgiveness as a gift that « victims » give themselves, not something we give to those who wronged us, but something we give ourselves, as it allows us to create a new storyline. It isn’t dependent of the other person when we look at it that way. Forgiveness begets peace, as light begets light. Self-forgiveness brings more peace to us and thus into the world. More peace, more light, can perhaps can only make the world a kinder place. That being said, forgiveness is a muscle that needs to be flexed (the more we practice it, the less hard it becomes) and one that is also based on atonement. It can only take place when we acknowledge that we screwed up, we take responsibility for the damage we caused, and make an honest commitment to trying to not repeat that action. Good people occasionally do shitty things. That’s part of what makes us human.