Seasons
In Florida we don’t have real seasons. We don’t have any seasons at all. Not really. What we do have is fire and brimstone. What we do have is Summer. Just Summer. The whole Summer. And nothing but the Summer. So help us all. It may be a short summer where you come from, Charlie Brown, but it lasts forever here.
In Florida we don’t have a real Fall. We don’t have the changing of the leaves. We don’t have the natural shift to auburn and ochre. Not really. What we do have is a time of the year when store aisles turn a synthetic shade. Like Mar-a-Lago rooves. Like terracotta tiles in faux spanish style. Like the gingery copper of a former president's spray tan. What we do have is pumpkin flavored everything. We’ll buy pumpkin lattes. One for each hand. Add a slice of pumpkin bread without blinking. Is that a pumpkin cookie? Sold. A pumpkin muffin? Yes, please. Pumpkin pretzels? Sign me up. A pumpkin bagel? Pumpkin cream cheese? Now you’ve gone too far, but fuck it. I’ll take two of everything. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, it rises in the patch that’s most sincere. Well, in Florida we don’t have a real Fall. But, what we do have is artificial flavoring.
In Florida we don’t have real cold. What we do have are a few days a year the natives might describe that way. But, “cold” in the context of Florida should always be understood with an asterisk. A reference to information omitted. Special stipulations annotated. In other words, it’s not cold. Not for real. Not really. It’s a false perception. A neurological deception. It’s anything below 60 degrees. It’s a mystery, Charlie Brown. How Florida-Man can wear socks and sandals. Shorts and a fleece. And talk about winter without irony.
What we do have is a tourist attraction. A winter factory. What we do have is an overpriced convention center. Lowering its temperature to twenty-three degrees below the point of freezing. What we do have is two million pounds of colored ice. Sculpted into a family-friendly walk-through experience. What we do have is the cost of admission, and paid parking. You’re a good sport, Charlie Brown. As you smile in the pictures. As you laugh and shiver. As you exit through the souvenirs. Don’t fall into the trap of consumerism, you say to yourself, but you buy the t-shirt since you’re already here.
In Florida we don’t have a real spring so it isn’t even worth mentioning. What we do have is more summer. This one, perched between putting away the prelit tree and buying plastic eggs. It’s spring training, Charlie Brown. But the only real thing we’re training for is life in ninety-five percent humidity.
Come to think of it, in Florida, we don’t have a real anything. Not really. The friends you met when you moved here, how many of them could you say were real? Were true? How many of them were really there when you really needed them? Think about it and get back to me.
The two college degrees you earned look good on paper. It’s true. But have they done you any real good? Have they made any real difference? To your life? To your livelihood?
You were married for fifteen years. That’s gotta count for something, doesn’t it? But, we both know better. That was only real in a legally binding way.
Life is a circus, Charlie Brown, and you’re somewhere between the tightrope and the dancing bear.
In Florida, you don’t have real capital-H, Happiness. Or, the kind of Satisfaction that starts with a real capital-S. Maybe your life isn’t made of any real capital letters. Not really. Just one of the many lower cases, trying to make it through. Why, Charlie Brown, why? You ask aloud. If you get a response at all, it starts with a capital-G, Go-fuck-yourself.
But, what you do have is a real passport. What you do have is a real ticket, a real boarding-pass, for a real flight, on a real plane. What you do have…is her, really waiting. It’s magic, Charlie Brown, something to real to explain.
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Loved the format here. Very well structured essay
Absolutely adore this piece! The interweaving choruses seem absolutely effortless. Loved the Charlie Brown references (although I’m not quite down on named specials!)
Spectacular read!