The best we can do...

It's something I've always struggled with. Something I'm struggling with still. Creating out of sheer spite. Desperation, and masochism rather than passion, desire, or disciplined will. Working in a frenzy and hating everything.  Until there's no chewing left in your finger nails, no pacing left in your shoes. There's more questions than answers, but that's the best we can do.

How do you balance a life of imbalance? Between work and bills and art and kids. What do you do when the thing that makes you feel better becomes an aggressor and fights against you at very turn? When the muses start reenacting Mean Girls. When it turns toxic and unhealthy and depressing? How do you take a breath and walk away? I haven't found a perfect answer to any of those questions, but I'm trying to. That's the best we can do.

There's a small distance, a subtle difference, between fascination and being fixated. You feel the call, the wonderment, the grip of something pulling you in. A well turned phrase. A few good lines. A shape. A texture. How do they do it? How do I do it too? You step off the ledge into something compulsive. You're freefalling, but not in that catchy, Tom Petty kind of way. It's the chain-smoking mania, muttering in the corner of the room. It's the swings and roundabouts of being a writer, a musician, a poet, an artist. Questioning everything you do. Working without an answer or a clue. But, that's the best we can do.

There's moving fast and breaking things, sure. but where's that gotten you? Breathless and broken, curled up on the floor chanting "who is Keyser Soze?!" There's no stopping completely.  I know there isn't for me. The impulse, the drive, the need, to make things, to create things, it's too strong to let you go. But rather than speed and demolition, there's a slow disassembly. It may feel like a question more than an answer, but that's the best we can do.

You can take apart your systems. Your methods. Your rituals. Your process. Your practices. You can examine them. You can look closer. You can change things. Work analog if you don't already. Use paper and pen. Do everything by hand. By physical means. Work with digital, if you don't usually. Use a keyboard, a stylus, a screen. Or in a hybrid way. Some combination of the two? It may not be the answer, but it's a question worth asking. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

If you're night owl, make something in the morning. If you're up with the sun, create with the moon. If you're desk is clear, work messy. If you love disorder, try tidying up the place. Change your direction. Your position. Your chair. The room. The view. If you're not finding any answers, start with better questions. That's the best we can do.

When you're stuck, it sucks. There's no way around it. Sometimes you can shake yourself loose. Other times, there's nothing you can do. Sometimes all it takes is doing something different. Other times, all you have is patience and relentlessness. We live in the conundrum. In the tension between the two. There's no answer to the question of how to get out of it. We just keep each other company while we're there. That's the best we can do.

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